Personally, I think monogamy is irrelevant and it’s mostly because I found myself emotionally stunted in almost all of my monogamist relationships. I’ve gained a lot more fulfillment through my promise to myself: I’m taking one year to do whatever I want, and most importantly whoever I want. Navigating through this hot girl summer I’ve found how much fun it is to date multiple people and take all that they can give to me.
However, when you make a promise to yourself and you’re hellbent on keeping it, you are forced to put your needs and wants over people and situations you normally wouldn’t. I feel indifferent towards long-term relationships mostly because I spent years in bonds with women that told me over and over again, what my flaws were and how it affected them. The guilt you face when your partner projects your unchecked suppressions is enough to make you change...and also enough to make you want a break from a constant reflection of everything that’s wrong with you. I’ve found that I’ve gained a better sense of who I am and grown more emotionally and mentally through my journey as the single, black Carrie Bradshaw.
Dating multiple people can be freeing, but what happens when your suitors start looking past all the fun and perks and want more from you. It can all come crashing down in one statement: “I feel like I’m doing all the work in this “relationship” or whatever you wanna call it without anything in return.” Well of course you are! If you’re dating someone who tells you on the very first date “I just got out of something” and shows all the signs of emotional unavailability what makes you think they are going to do anything besides put themselves first and use you for whatever your best qualities are? If you aren’t dating multiple too, why even put yourself in that situation? I’ve heard that loyalty and trust are what relationships are built on, but really it’s communication and most importantly comprehension. When someone shares their intentional selfishness with you, the best thing to do is to protect yourself.
And for the readers that are actively dating multiple right now, I challenge you to sustain the balance between maintaining your peace and honoring your partner(s)’. Yes, it is a joy to date freely but don’t be sloppy and careless in your freedom. If you insist upon taking-- make sure you give enough for everyone in your life to feel satisfied or deal with the consequences of leading multiple people on. What I’m saying is you must know when to let go of the people in your life that are investing in you way more than you are willing to invest in them. Date freely, but remember to keep your moral ground and a good conscious over your actions. In the wise words of Sza ‘give as much as you take or get the fuck out.’
Written by: Nhandi Jackson (@empressnhans)